Monday, July 5, 2010
Thou Shalt Not Google Thine Own Self
I have this secret passion for tiny six ounce cans of grape juice. They are expensive, so I hide them away in the 'fridge like precious treasure. Last night my daughter was serving them up to her friends explaining how she enjoyed this product at Communion. She told them how "Back in the day, Jesus and his friends loved Welch's Grape Juice." She went on to explain how once a month they all got together for a big supper and that they served bread and blood and grape juice. Before I had a chance to jump in and explain the representational association of grape juice and Christ's blood, the conversation immediately flowed to the Volvo Driving Vampires of Twilight and their thirst for blood and not juice products. This is the same child that once explained the Ten Commandments to me and felt it was her duty to point out if I might be approaching the violation of any of them. My favorite on her list of Godly rules is "Thou shalt not cover the bare footed witness." I believe I'm pretty safe with that one and don't have to worry about crossing any lines. She has a series of others that were somehow grossly lost in translation and involve Christmas characters such as Dancer, Prancer, Doofus and Don - Santa's chosen elite. Over the years, we have added our own commandments to her modern day list of good rules for living. Somewhere near the top is "Thou Shalt Not Google Thine Own Self" I've found that this is critically important for one's own self wellness. One evening, while Facebook stalking my kids, past lovers, and that mean guy from the IRS, I decided to see what popped up if I searched my own name. I am still emotionally traumatized by it. You would think that somewhere back in Leviticus, there might have been a reference to not peeking in the Book of Life and seeing your own true colors OR... seeing the true colors of 2179 other people with the exact same name. The first thing I discovered was that my daughter and I had obviously been in the "Race for the Cure." I paid our $50 entry fees, but I didn't collect any additional dollars for the cause and the world could now see a big $0 contribution next to my name! What! I was shocked - mortified even. I give to that very worthy event. However, I'm guessing I will give much more than our entry fees next year. Next came a Facebook profile for a young lady with my exact same name. Her goal in life was to meet the Jonas brothers and kiss the cute guy in 2nd period. I had to wonder if any of my previous bosses ever googled me and mistakenly thought that while they were paying me good money to come up with project solutions and funding dollars, that perhaps I was really spending my day dreaming about Nick Jonas. That could explain that one year without a raise. Each new hit on my name was equally disturbing and I immediately swore off all future self-googling. I sought solace in my tiny cans of grape juice, but now I'm thinking that perhaps I should switch to other varieties of juice that don't quite represent the meaning of my salvation and that of the other two thousand people that share my name.