Skip to main content

The Giant Red Umbrella

    
  Umbrellas are something that I’ve never really given much thought to.  If it rains, I grab whatever umbrella I can find.  Usually, there is a small one located under the passenger seat in my car, so I've never had to do a lot of planning for rain events   I purchase umbrellas as last minute thoughts in drug stores or airports.  The smaller and cheaper, the better the value to me.


  One rainy Tuesday in January, our local fitness center seized a moment of opportunity and advertised the sale of large umbrellas by sending a mass email to its customers.  I found it peculiar that fifteen minutes into the sale, a second email came out notifying everyone that the umbrellas were gone.  I had to wonder if I was missing something.  I had never questioned the ability of the little umbrellas in my possession and had no need to up size.  They seemed to meet the one objective that an umbrella has…keep me dry.  What more could an umbrella offer, I wondered?  Obviously there was a demand for oversized umbrellas and quite possibly, I was not in with the "in" crowd.

  A few days after the umbrella rush, a good  friend brought me a large oversized, red umbrella as a gift.  It was big enough to cover a small country and I knew it would never fit under my seat.  The umbrella, when closed, was almost as tall as I am.  Curious about the appeal of a large umbrella, I graciously accepted the gift and waited for the first rain.

  As luck would have it, it wasn’t long before a cold winter rain fell.  I pulled into work and reached for the tiny compact yellow umbrella under my seat.  Then I remembered….I had a giant umbrella in the back of my car.  Unable to climb across the seats in a skirt, I jumped out in the rain, raised the back hatch of my car and took out the giant size rain shield.  When I opened it up, I’m certain I heard trumpets sound in the distance.  Of course, it may have just been a large whooshing sound from the displacement of air in the vicinity of the now open, gigantic umbrella.  It must have been four feet wide and was quite possibly visible from space.  I made my way to the office door and discovered that we, the umbrella and I, were too wide to enter.  My hands were full and as I spilled coffee down my shirt, I attempted to close this beastly umbrella.  I obviously didn’t click it all the way shut because as I entered the door, it flew open, crashing into the door frame, tearing the canopy away from one of the umbrella support rods, leaving me lodged in the doorway with a metal spear pointing towards anyone attempting to leave the building.   By the time I got to the office, I was soaking wet and covered in coffee.  I still wasn’t seeing the joy in a large umbrella.

  A few days later, it rained again.  I wasn’t going to get out in the rain this time, so I climbed across three rows of seats in my car and got my big red umbrella.  I opened it up and noticed two of the tips were exposed and were quite sharp.  I cautiously entered the building sideways this time, in an attempt to fit through the door, when I nearly took out the eye of an innocent bystander.  Again, nobody was seeing the joy in this red bayonet like umbrella.   Later that day, as I returned to my car, I decided to keep the umbrella up front and save myself from climbing over seats.  I managed to poke a hole in the leather and make a nice tear in my seat from the pointy tips.  I cursed my large umbrella and tossed it to the back once again. It was so tall, I knocked out my center light and managed to spear myself in the face.  


  Later that day, my kids got in the car, eyed the giant toy in the back seat and said, "Hey, what is this?"  Before I could say, "Don't open that!" it flew open stabbing every passenger in the car.  I’ve concluded that this thing is more like a weapon and could maim entire families at once.  While I'm certain it will displace a large amount of rainwater, it can also displace eyeballs, front teeth, and steaming cups of coffee from their cup holders.   I've packed away the giant beast and will return to the safety and security of my tiny yellow umbrella hidden underneath my seat, thus proving the theory that good things do still come in small packages.  

Comments

Jan B said…
Still laughing after reading this because you see I too have had a big red umbrella with a similar story! I arrived at work one moringing and reached for the unbrella that was in the back seat because you see it is just too big to keep under the front seat which is where I normally keep my umbrellas. I opened the door to open the unbrella and quickly realized that it would not open with me in the car so I thought do I get out of the car in the rain to open this darn thing? I jumped out and quickly opened it but then when I tried to reach back into the car to get my belongings it was just too big to allow me to do so....so I leaned it on the top of the car while I gather my belongings and began my trip to the door once I got to the door it was too big for me to go thru the door so once again I had to stand in the rain while I closed that darn thing. I have retired that big red unbrella unless some can explain how to use that darn thing!

Popular posts from this blog

The Mink That Made Its Way Home

             When I was five years old, my grandmother would care for me before school each day.  She would turn the stereo console on and play big band music from the 40's.  I remember dressing up in her mink stole as we danced around the living room spinning and twirling to the classics.  She told me that one day the mink would be mine and I hoped that I would be as beautiful as she was wrapped in luxurious mink.     Time, of course, came and went and my grandmother passed away many years ago.  I have often wondered what happened to her mink stole and wished that I could wear it just one more time.  Little did I know, my grandmother had given the stole to her daughter and sometime during the early 80's when fur was not fashionable and we were wearing hideous things like leather pants and spandex, my aunt tossed the mink into the Goodwill bin near her home. She did not know that anyone actually wanted the mink and donated it to charity.  She told me she remembers lo

Peace, Love and What???

  There is nothing more precious than child innocence.  While it appears that this message may, indeed, be upside down, it seems that an upended pink ribbon is a call for better testing for earlier detection of breast cancer.  Who better to deliver such a message than a group of young girls with bright futures ahead of them?  While my daughter actually has no idea that she is holding the poster upside down, her mistake quietly sends a much more powerful message across this field. Who knows, but any one of these young ladies, excited about their part in participating in a campaign of hope, could go on to be the one to discover just such a test or cure.   So even if the symbols are upside down, or even fall to the ground, our youth are learning to be a part of something bigger than themselves and might just one day deliver this message exactly as they innocently displayed this Fall day in their youth.   Picture by Kathi Kolb www.accidentalamazon.com

Snapped Rabbit

Photo Courtesy of Hershey's    There is almost no greater joy than the pure chocolaty goodness that lies in the rectangular patterns of a Hershey’s bar.  While some people enjoy cigarettes or liquor or even illegal drugs of choice, my addiction lies in the innocence of a candy bar.  It is something that is enjoyed in small pieces, savored, one rectangle at a time.  Whatever genius designed this heavenly creation, divided the bar into 12 miniature rectangles, all looking like a small version of the whole.  It’s mind boggling if you really think about it.  It’s much like putting two mirrors together and seeing into infinity.  With each bite of Hershey’s bar you find more rectangles calling your name.   A wise person knows not to listen to their sirens call, but to snap off only one or two pieces and move on without looking back.   Photo Courtesy of B Jobse    My children know the power of the Hershey’s bar and fully understand that stressful events can bring on the dippi