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Showing posts from May, 2010

Confusion in the Shower

Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat -   I realized this morning that the instructions on the back of a bottle of shampoo were not put there by greedy marketing staff, but were written by some working mother who understands how one can stand naked in the shower wondering if they have already shampooed or not.  Our minds race with the needs and wants of our family members and while lathering gently, we are focused on which store might sell a tiny motor needed to build a model of a roller coaster for our son’s science project.  We are absorbed in thought by the new blue vein that has suddenly showed up around our ankle and wonder if it will go away or if it is just another Mom Tat.  Suddenly we stand there with water cascading down us, unsure if we just shampooed or not.  Thankfully - help is there.  On the back of the bottle, we are clearly exonerated from our own preoccupations and inability to remember if we have lathered up yet and are provided with instructions to do it again.  Lather up girl - i

Don't Forget to Pack the Axe Handle

    The kids are out of school now and we are preparing for our Summer Vacation Road trip.  It will be like a scene out of a Chevy Chase movie.  Even though there are only four of us,  when we travel, we take two vehicles.  My husband follows me in his truck happy as a lark for the peace of sailing down the road behind me without a worry in the world.  I can look behind me and see half of our belongings piled high in the back of his truck...   bikes, rafts, kites, coolers, all things beachy.   We’ve traveled together, but he likes to tease the kids, the kids pick on each other, chaos begins and before you know it, someone’s hair is rolled up in the window, tears are flowing  and I have slipped into insanity.  It is cheaper than going to a therapist, so we gladly pay for the extra gas and wear and tear on the car because “it keeps mom sane.”  That last phrase is usually whispered in hushed tones to our neighbors when they ask the kids why... “Why do you take two cars?”        The kid

If I Ran the Circus

As a child, I loved the Dr. Seuss book “If I Ran the Circus.”  Little did I know it was a glimpse into my own future.  As an adult, I have found that I do run the circus.  Too bad, it doesn’t come with the really cool glittery outfits and feathery headdress.  That could be such fun.  I realized as I stood outside this morning fishing a kitten out of the dryer vent that Mr. McGurkis (the circus owner) and I have a lot in common.   My wolf-wanna-be dog trots by with a hot pink high heel flip flop in its mouth.   Who would purchase such, I thought.  I never know what treasure my dog is going to bring home each morning.  Last week she brought home a spine.  That's not something you find just anywhere.    Randi Hope, my confused white tail deer who imprinted on my husband and believes she is a retiree who should fish all day, wanders up quietly and has breakfast on the aglets of my shoes while I am elbow deep into the dryer vent.    I can hear the echo of my daughter crying inside the h

Elusive Sleep and Daylight Challenged Roosters

Summertime allergy season is upon us and I’m certain it is the pollen in the air and not the small family of cats living under my bed that is causing my relentless sneezing and watery eyes.  Antihistamines knock me out for days and leave me walking around in a zombie like state.  My mother, who is 72  years old and has the energy of a young woman, has no time for slow moving people when there are chores to be done.  As I sat at my counter in the same nightshirt I had been wearing for two days, waiting for the weather channel to actually give me the weather and not another blasted storm story, I was enjoying a leisurely breakfast of sinus meds and Frosted Flakes.  My mother was picking up my kitchen and whisked my spoon right out of my mouth as I tried to eat breakfast.  She said it was time to wash the dishes and I was moving too slow.   Sensing my family's frustration with my medicated state,   I changed to non-drowsy medication and that has left me without sleep for days.   It ha

Appliance Envy

Wonders never cease.  I took my kids with me to buy a new washing machine yesterday.  Explain to me how children who can't pick their clothes up off the floor suddenly know the difference in a front loader and the old standard $400 “Drop your clothes in the tub” washer.  Their eyes twinkled as they looked at the colored models of top of the line, high efficiency washers and dryers. They began discussing cubic feet, spin speeds and low suds options like they woke up this morning and all of this was suddenly important to them. They discussed which friend's parents had machines with steam options, L.E.D. lighting, and something called Fan Fresh.  It was apparent that my children were suffering from appliance envy.   I walked them over to a $300, top loading, plain Jane washer just to see their reaction.  They began to wring their hands and beads of sweat formed at their temples like little appliance addicts.  I reminded them that a good river stone and flowing water can produce th

Mother Goose

Mother's Day has come and gone and it was a most enjoyable day.  My daughter made me a stepping stone for the garden, but she put all the stickers on the wrong side of the glaze so the first rain will wash them away and bring with it tears, I'm certain.  It is beautiful and will have to remain in a rain-free place like my living room.  My son gave me a  digital picture frame and loaded it full of family pictures.  Something isn't working quite right though because everyone is either headless or scrunched up like Willie Wonka Oompa Loompas.  We all appear wider than we are tall.  Yes, I have seen that same image reflecting back at me in the mirror, but you convince yourself it’s bad lighting or something.   It's scary that my family is represented by a bunch of headless little people!  Gads!    After Mother’s Day lunch, which was prepared by very wonderful mother, we went to visit the queen of all mothers… Mother Goose.  She lives at the end of my road on a small pond. 

Working Outside Our Skill Set

There are times that skill sets become critically important.  Example - You want your teeth filled by a licensed dentist, not a potter.  A geometry teacher that understands everything mathematical about planes should not be flying one.   And I think it is important to teach our kids that when presented with a job outside of their skill set, there are times it’s okay to say  “No thank you.”  My son informed me that he would be announcing games at the local ball park.  There is a big difference in singing into a microphone and calling out baseball plays in front of emotionally charged parents in team colors.  I checked in on him after his first game and the look on his face was one of shock.  My child was sinking and going down fast.   You have to understand, we are not a baseball family.  His knowledge of baseball comes from attending Braves games and holding my pretzels while I order more hot dogs and soda, not participating in Small Town America Little League.   The next scene is a sc

The Crazy Cat Lady

    I am not well and I now realize the fragile state of my mental health as I sat alone on a Saturday night taking pictures of my cats.  They quickly grew bored with this activity and I moved on to taking self portraits with my phone for a Facebook profile picture that said, "Yes, I'm 46, but I still look 18."  I never actually got that photo, I'm sad to report.  The real problem is not my lack of photography skills or some odd interest in pets, but the fact that my children have reached that age that they are out with friends and no longer need me to order their meals, wipe their mouths or shield their eyes when an evil Disney character comes on screen.  Notice I did not say “pay their way.”  They still need me to do that and my money is being spent by the twenties at ball parks and movie theaters across the city while I sit home alone photographing kittens.       Realizing I must come up with a hobby to occupy this sudden onset of free time, I have looked into

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

After a short business trip, I returned home and decided to be a good mom and spend the afternoon outdoors with the kids. It was the first warm and sunny day we had seen in many weeks. I took the kids to the park on the water front. There is a new playground there that my youngest wanted to see. It is a multi-layer system of caves and tunnels next to the river. (Does that scream safety hazard or what!) To raise more red flags.... your child enters a hole, not unlike a manhole in the street, and comes out 50 yards away, behind some boulders, two levels below, completely out of view from unsuspecting parents. Who designed this, I ask!?! I am probably a bit overboard when it comes to watching my kids, but I’m okay with that and my kids have learned to accept it. Cutting the umbilical cord was just my first test at letting go. If I could implant GPS tracking chips in them, I would. I made my 15 year old follow his sister through the maze of caves to ensure her safety should th

Miniature Fitness Trainers

     In yet another effort to get fit and get a step closer to those jeans I haven’t been able to wear in five years, I bought the Wii Fit program. It weighs you, analyzes your body fat, creates a plan of wellness and makes the process fun. In the beginning, I would get up each morning to have it greet me with a pleasant hello and tell me how well I was proceeding. After a weekend of Mexican food and delicate chocolates, I was informed that I gained four pounds and my Wii Character changed to a pudgier edition of me. How dare they! I paid $86 for a machine to tell me I was out of control and fat.     My commitment to the program disappeared immediately. After a few months, I decided to give it another try. It seems that now the scale no longer works right. I never know if I'm going to weigh 3 pounds or 472 pounds. It says I lost 62 pounds since yesterday. Motivational, yes - but scary. Every time the scale goes up, my character gets pudgy and when it drops, I get ski