Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

After a short business trip, I returned home and decided to be a good mom and spend the afternoon outdoors with the kids. It was the first warm and sunny day we had seen in many weeks. I took the kids to the park on the water front. There is a new playground there that my youngest wanted to see. It is a multi-layer system of caves and tunnels next to the river. (Does that scream safety hazard or what!) To raise more red flags.... your child enters a hole, not unlike a manhole in the street, and comes out 50 yards away, behind some boulders, two levels below, completely out of view from unsuspecting parents. Who designed this, I ask!?! I am probably a bit overboard when it comes to watching my kids, but I’m okay with that and my kids have learned to accept it. Cutting the umbilical cord was just my first test at letting go. If I could implant GPS tracking chips in them, I would. I made my 15 year old follow his sister through the maze of caves to ensure her safety should they get out of my sight. On the lower level, I found a 2 year old frantically looking for his mother. After 20 minutes of searching, we finally found her and she was not even aware that he was missing. Perhaps they should have thought twice before cutting her cord. We left when we entered one particular tunnel and there was a man who appeared to be living in it. It was time to head to safer ground. We headed home to the mountains of laundry that awaited me. The icing on the cake was getting home and finding a letter that my house payment had not been received. Knowing full well they had already snatched that thousand dollars out of my checking account, I called the mortgage company in hopes of speaking with a human. After an "estimated wait time of 25 - 30 minutes" and the gross realization that Journey and AC/DC songs are now instrumental mixes on Audix, I finally heard a real voice. His first words were not a pleasant hello, but a gruff statement that he was attempting to collect a debt and my words would be recorded and I think maybe even used in a court of law or chewed up and served to me on a platter. My customer service agent was surely the devil himself. Just as he pulled up my info, he informs me they are in a blizzard and they are being told to evacuate the building. (Apparently, it does snow in hell) He can no longer help me and I will have to call back. AGHHH!
So here are the facts I have garnered from today’s events:
1. My family has suffered some form of sudden onset amnesia and forgot how to wash clothes, put up dishes or partake in basic daily living skills during my absence.
2. Back in Black is now an instrumental song played by the devil himself while he watches the snow fall in Hell.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel might just be the glow of a crack pipe.

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